***WARING, CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF SPIDER VS. WOMAN WARFARE***
I wanted to put this disclaimer at the beginning of this post because I get super upset when I sit down to read a nice blog and end up reading about the unholiest of all creatures... This blog is meant only for a warning because I hate those creepazoid jerks that call themselves arachnoids.. even that name sounds arrogant doesn't it? Like you would walk into some disgusting web covered court room with a bunch of white wigged, robed spider-judges that would look down at you, with their trillion and a half eyes looking every which way, and hand out your spiderworld sentencing that starts with (This is in a British accent because for some reason I think all jerky spiders speak in a British accent)
"I, Mr. Hairylegged Discustoid, High judge of the Arachnoid realm, do by the power I have been given, sentence you to a weekly visit either in your bed, your shower or your ear by one of our trickiest, fastest and perviest spiders in our Spider army"...... See how rude they are??
Ok, so today after I had rid my house of the tsunami that is my children getting ready for school, I went into the bathroom to finish getting myself ready. What I did not know was there was an ambush waiting for me.While I stood at the mirror doing nothing but minding my own humanly business a huge, white, fang bearing spider repelled slowly down in between me and the mirror.. Not a big deal you say?? Well the mirror happens to be on the back of the bathroom door, why yes.. the door has to be shut to use it!! I was trapped!
I froze, at first just staring at what I was sure to be poisonous venom running out the side of his mouth. I wanted to move, I wanted to poke him in one of his eyes, but it was like time froze, until I saw the very edge of his mouth perk up into a smile.
What did I do you ask? Well, that stupid multi-legged monster was just hanging there, between me and the door, BUT I certainly was NOT going out like that so I did what any sane, rational thinking woman would do.
"HI-AHHH" my battle cry rang out of my mouth as I began my ninja strikes randomly in the air, screaming and yelling anti-spider rants. I spun around in circles running my hands up and down my body while preforming high knees that any self-respecting high school gym teacher would be uber proud of. And to finish my assault I picked up my towel and threw it at the door, hoping to knock down any remaining invisible web.
I tried to slow my breathing and smoothed down my hair as I frantically looked for any sign of him. I knew there was no way he could have survived my well thought out, perfectly executed tactical moves so I searched the floor for his corpse.
As I was looking around I thought a saw movement.. not on the floor but ON MY CHEST!
That discustoid was at a full sprint up my shirt headed, I'm sure ,for one of my nostril where he could climb up to my brain and send out invitations to all of his relatives and set up a little village and hatch a bunch of dicustoid babies!! I FREAKED OUT!! I have never taken a shirt off so fast in all my life, screaming and crying and asking God to watch out over my children should I not make it out of this alive.. I slammed the shirt to the floor and stomped on it at least a billion times screaming "DIE YOU STUPID SPIDER!"
I took a step back, and sat on my toilet, totally exhausted from my battle. My hair was puffed out like I had been electrocuted, I could hear my heart in my ears and my throat burned from the screams. I tried to keep the tears from falling but there was not stoping them. I had won, the battle was over and I was the victor!
Just than, my shirt moved.... NO JOKE! I jumped up on top of the toilet and out from underneath the shirt he charged at me! Holy Crap! They had sent The Terminoid! Half spider, half termenator!! I could see it's steely red eyes fixated on me and for one second I actually considered jumping through the only window in my bathroom, but then a memory flashed of the time that Kyler was 1 1/2 years old and he took off running down the sidewalk to toward the road, I was 100 months pregnant with one of my offspring at the time and knew I couldn't catch him so I took off my shoe and used it like a boomerang, it hit him right in the foot and he rolled into the grass, so I suddenly thought, if my shoe could bring down a roughly 20 pound human then is should be able to take out robo-spidy. So I grabbed it off my foot, waiting for a clear shot and threw it as hard as I could! I hit my mark with a satisfying smoosh sound and my nightmare was over.
I have sent my 5 year old into the bathroom for recon every time I had to go tonight :)
So my warning is as follows..ALWAYS BE READY TO TAKE ON A FANG BEARING, SMIRKING, JERKY DISCUSTOID.. BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THEY ARE GONNA AMBUSH YOU!! PREPARATION IS THE KEY! (I am sleeping with my shoe tonight)
P.S. Please do not use the throwing the shoe "Incident" as a good parenting tip.. It was a lucky shot :)