Friday, July 27, 2012

For my Kenz

Shaking fingers, trembling heart,
how I feel when we're apart.
Never happy, never whole,
weakened spirit takes it's toll.
I will try to keep up face,
living through life's daily race.
But in my soul, I struggle on,
for life is colder when your gone.

My arms were wrapped around her as I breathed deeply in, trying to find some sort of resolve in the situation. Some unknown strength allowed me to release her but as I did my inner mom screamed "NO! Don't let her go, keep her close to you.. keep her with you.. don't.. let.. go..."
I could feel the crack starting, somewhere deep, somewhere maternal.. an uneasy prowling of emotion took over and tried to spill out.. I swallowed it back down and crawled into my van. Painful flashes of a blonde haired little girl with big blue eyes flashed past me.. followed by a strange twisting of joy and sadness. My inner mom stands with her face in her hands, afraid.
I watch from behind my scratched up sunglasses as she pulled out of the parking lot, waving at me from the passenger side window. I couldn't choke down the tears any longer, she was leaving again.
Watching your grown children leave should be easier, shouldn't be such a strain, shouldn't be a shock to your core.. but it is. . My inner mom is confused, looking around trying to find her lost piece.
You see, a mother separated from her child is not normal. I understand that they have to grow up..and I know that they have to separate their lives from mine..I've been told that this is the way it has to be... My inner mom stands alone.
Today I am more sad then last year, today my heart is heavier then last year.. my soul knows the distance now, my soul understands the amount of time she will be gone.. my inner mom begins to weep, for years that have passed too fast, for moments that she should have lingered in, for memories she wished she would have made.
I wave with a forced smile at my beautiful daughter who is once again moving 28 hours away from me to go to college.. my inner mom takes a deep breath than turns and walks away...

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